Baby Blues

I don't like to complain that much about our trials with having another baby because I know there are lots of people that can't have children and we have already been blessed to have two. So complaining seems pretty selfish.  I guess just the thought of my control being taken away or making it harder for it to happen saddens me.  Some days it doesn't bother me but lately and especially lately it really has occupied my mind. I have tried to change my thoughts but I think back to that day Sept 18th that our trial began. I think of the circumstances and as many people know it was funny in theory but the consequence is quite painful. I know we both pushed it aside with Ryan going to work right after surgery and hoping that it wouldn't effect future children. We were to try for a year and if no success then come in and get tested.  Then we find out the possibility is pretty slim with out help and even that is not guaranteed. So we both came to the decision its time to try again. But wait can the STRESS and BuSY schedules be ever more evident during this time? Ah YES.  Do I then think that maybe its just not meant for us or maybe its just not the right time? I am a believer that they will come to you when its the right time. It was 6 years between Cali and Dorian so I shouldn't be that shocked since its only been 3 years but when I want a baby it happens with in a month. Now the circumstance for me to get prego is closing. I just feel my options are being taken away. My heart was aching and my feelings were turned to anger to all the individuals who played a part in this, then and now. To the individual who should have thought before he took a swing. For those now who contribute to my husbands stress level and mine.  For those Who demand so much with out having a thought of walking in our shoes. Who are quick to blame with out looking at all the circumstances and who expect change in a short time.
So I often tell myself  to remember when we went to temple to do sealings for our anniversary and later on that month. I prayed to let this go.Well ... My heart was softened when I was able to seal children to their parents. Family after Family my heart was comforted. A thought came to my mind: If I can't have anymore I can help other children be with their families. I can fulfill my callings and teach the little ones.
I know I am loved and Heavenly Father is aware of my needs I just needed to vent about it so I can remember what I do have and get over this slump.